i love seasons! like the literal four seasons that we know: spring, summer, fall, winter. why do they reflect seasons of life so well? i love Papa for seasons..
fall has passed very quickly. maybe a little too quickly…and i feel my insides changing and changing still. and for the signs of winter? many things in me are dying. im dying to myself. talk about morbid and dramatic, and a little bit scary.
but in the spring, new things will start growing and blooming and rising up within me and in the summer, harvest! but there is glory in each season and none of them are on their own. each one needs the other so that all the seasons work out perfectly.
there are a lot of things on my heart that i wish i could type all out here. maybe one day ill just send my journal in to be published and copied to give to everyone who wants to know what’s been going on in my little heart. until then, these short and sporadic posts will have to do.
……
there aren’t a lot of moments i have with Papa God where i’m asking him to show me the beautiful story that we have written together. i’m always looking ahead and when i do look into the past, it’s only to wish and regret for a “better-ing” of me in whatever situations. but i don’t stop and ask Papa “can you read to me what you have so far?”
so much of my own heart and my own dreams have led me to an escape from the “now” and i haven’t been able to go before him as a weaned child (ps. 131:2). where’s my thankful heart/spirit? somewhere…behind me. how frustrating. my spirit longs for intimacy, for deepness. my deep cries out to his deep. and my flesh is like “NO!” and full of fear of that intimacy because of the way i think my life is going to go and of the unbelief that causes me to shrink away from relationship. i’m scared of disappointment. i’m scared of …being loved completely.
because then what if i settle? what if i am unable to reach eternity and the fullness of God? what if the deepest cry and longing for love and significance is not satisfied?
Papa, all of this inside of my heart is ugly and shameful. why is it there? why am i so much weaker than i thought? the deeper just shows me more of how much i am in need of you. i am a barren land without you. Holy Spirit of Papa, i need life to be breathed into my lungs. BREATHE on me.
let me feel love, presence, mercy, grace, hope. my heart is a lot smaller than yours is. you’re holding me as i look so disappointingly at my little messy heart. and i feel something strange emitting from your heart…joy. delight. resounding hope. renewal like the eagle’s.
“look at what we have written. look, it’s so beautiful.” and between the messy chunks of what look like boxes and crumbles and unkempt things all crammed together are swirls of light and glory. within, throughout, below, and above. lights of all different colors, red, blue, green, pink, purple… swirling all around, filling and satisfying the emptiness and the holes are whole. darkness is lovely as light is shown.
“i’ve chosen flawlessly.” and the blood of the redeemer is all over the beautiful jumble. his blood is all over me. his choice is written and engraved on my little heart.
it’s divine! it’s beautiful! it can only be him! he is my seal of love, jealousy as demanding as the grave. take me up there where you are! take me up in the Spirit! where i can sit under the fiery gaze of your perfect love and holiness. let the gaze burn away all things that would come in between us. let it burn the bridges. all of them!
for i am lovesick for my Beloved, my betrothed. he is my everything. let me give it all that i may have him!
