because in my little heart, i desire to find the depths of God. i want to know the truths that permeate from his very being and i want them to strike my spirit and from there see life spring forth.

i want to be free in intimacy and free out of that place of intimacy. and i’m so hungry for it.

where do i fit? who am i? where do i go and from where can i come up for air to breathe?

my longings need more than an answer that i’ve been conditioned to say on cue. deep from within me must come a spirit-grumbling and groaning that crys out for the Abba, the I AM, the sustainer and lover of all things, the worthy one who humbles himself and lowers himself to breathe on me. he breathes on me… and then I MOVE.

reflections? resolutions? i haven’t taken a moment to think about the past or the future. i am in the present and it’s a foreign place to be in… i feel awkward. and everything i am walking through, it’s all really new and foreign. these are places in my heart that have never been touched before. places that have never COME ALIVE before! how can that be?!

and Jesus and i are walking through and letting his light shine on all that is still dead.. and all the ways that i knew to brace myself with for what i would see… well, those ways i can’t use in these places. there is really no “best way to brace yourself” this time. there can’t be! this is a new territory..

at the same time, i feel these descriptions are but a faint way of even beginning to explain what’s going on in my heart. trust me, there’s a whole lot more of which i’m not even aware. but i will trust. i am trusting in my beloved.

i am the shulamite in the song of songs! and my beloved has come for me, to take me where he is going.

and i will come up from the wilderness leaning upon his breast.

this is the only video online with the song i wanted. 

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everyone has a story. and i have mine.

and it’s a beautiful one.

the world waits to hear it.. and from it, people will draw from within the recesses of their souls ..their own stories.

what a thought. i think one of the things on my heart lately is knowing that i have my own fire, my own passion to keep aflame. it’s not anyone else’s and i don’t want it to be fueled by someone else’s either. this flame within me is from the Holy Fire himself. when i lay me down on the altar, i ask that my heart be the dwelling place of the fire of his love.

“love of God, overflow. permeate all my soul.” 

all i want is to be fully his. fully given. fully sacrificed. fully surrendered. and filled with him. there’s beauty and mystery and excitement in giving oneself fully to the love of his life. the risk and the boldness in throwing your whole being into the waterfall of love, knowing you’re going somewhere after that huge, first leap but not quite knowing what it’ll all be like. i guess that’s just something we have to find out when it happens. no speculating, no expecting, just pure and raw EXPERIENCE. 

i don’t want to be ready for it. i just want to dive right in, right now. there’s no better time.

what is the kingdom like? …. God, let me see a glimpse of you ….. I worship you…. … I love you. .. his promises are enduring. … love is above all …. I want to be secure in my Papa…. 

but they have mostly been questions. questions of why and how ME? why and how ive received so much goodness from Papa…because he is such a good God. im humbled..amazed…and wrecked for his goodness.. for him.

and one longing in particular… as God’s been showing me who’s on his heart and his kingdom, some of the most important things he cares for, and as ive been learning about these things, ive been REALLY learning about the man behind it all. the God behind it all. my God who loves the most unlovely, my God who dwells in the lowliest of places, my God who speaks the loudest in the most quiet of atmospheres. he is a God quite contrary to men’s expectations. and for that i love him.

who is this man who makes his home among the lowest and poorest? who is he who whispers in the quiet of our hearts and souls? i want to know him. i want to be in the lowly places and i want to be quiet in my heart to him, that i might hear his sweet whispers of love.

let me encounter you, oh beautiful King of Kings.

fall has passed very quickly. maybe a little too quickly…and i feel my insides changing and changing still. and for the signs of winter? many things in me are dying. im dying to myself. talk about morbid and dramatic, and a little bit scary.

but in the spring, new things will start growing and blooming and rising up within me and in the summer, harvest! but there is glory in each season and none of them are on their own. each one needs the other so that all the seasons work out perfectly.

there are a lot of things on my heart that i wish i could type all out here. maybe one day ill just send my journal in to be published and copied to give to everyone who wants to know what’s been going on in my little heart. until then, these short and sporadic posts will have to do.

……

there aren’t a lot of moments i have with Papa God where i’m asking him to show me the beautiful story that we have written together. i’m always looking ahead and when i do look into the past, it’s only to wish and regret for a “better-ing” of me in whatever situations. but i don’t stop and ask Papa “can you read to me what you have so far?”

so much of my own heart and my own dreams have led me to an escape from the “now” and i haven’t been able to go before him as a weaned child (ps. 131:2). where’s my thankful heart/spirit? somewhere…behind me. how frustrating. my spirit longs for intimacy, for deepness. my deep cries out to his deep. and my flesh is like “NO!” and full of fear of that intimacy because of the way i think my life is going to go and of the unbelief that causes me to shrink away from relationship. i’m scared of disappointment. i’m scared of …being loved completely.

because then what if i settle? what if i am unable to reach eternity and the fullness of God? what if the deepest cry and longing for love and significance is not satisfied?

Papa, all of this inside of my heart is ugly and shameful. why is it there? why am i so much weaker than i thought? the deeper just shows me more of how much i am in need of you. i am a barren land without you. Holy Spirit of Papa, i need life to be breathed into my lungs. BREATHE on me.

let me feel love, presence, mercy, grace, hope. my heart is a lot smaller than yours is. you’re holding me as i look so disappointingly at my little messy heart. and i feel something strange emitting from your heart…joy. delight. resounding hope. renewal like the eagle’s.

“look at what we have written. look, it’s so beautiful.” and between the messy chunks of what look like boxes and crumbles and unkempt things all crammed together are swirls of light and glory. within, throughout, below, and above. lights of all different colors, red, blue, green, pink, purple… swirling all around, filling and satisfying the emptiness and the holes are whole. darkness is lovely as light is shown.

“i’ve chosen flawlessly.” and the blood of the redeemer is all over the beautiful jumble. his blood is all over me. his choice is written and engraved on my little heart.

it’s divine! it’s beautiful! it can only be him! he is my seal of love, jealousy as demanding as the grave. take me up there where you are! take me up in the Spirit! where i can sit under the fiery gaze of your perfect love and holiness. let the gaze burn away all things that would come in between us. let it burn the bridges. all of them!

for i am lovesick for my Beloved, my betrothed. he is my everything. let me give it all that i may have him!

oh these are the days that I’d never trade, 

the time it takes to fall in love with you.

i had a really interesting day today as God gently reminded me that his love looks like something REAL to me.

the past two weeks have been filled with desperation, hunger, overflow, waiting, and adoration all with my Jesus and it has been so glorious. i feel like the scales on my eyes are falling off and my once blind eyes can now start seeing…

well, today was just the same as i spent an hour or so with Jesus in the afternoon. mind you, i try in the mornings but for some reason i cannot wake up early enough for the life of me! maybe God is leading me into a night season…it IS 3:19am right now. but as i was saying, i was before him, baring my heart to him as i was completely honest in telling him how i was sick of the current (and most prominent) stronghold in my life: performance/striving. a midst all the serving, i’m realizing that there are so many layers of this lie of the orphan spirit that i tolerate within me.

as i’ve been loving him and letting him love me, he’s graciously been erasing the lies and re-writing truth on my heart. and it has been SO GOOD. so i just started worshiping and i felt his presence right next to me..and as i was praying, i laid myself on the floor in front of my window and looked out at the puffy-cloud-filled sky and enjoyed his presence right next to me.

after a little bit, i got up and i remembered wanting to go to the Goodwill thrift store in hopes of finding the entire set of the Chronicles of Narnia. i love this series! and it’s always been a little desire of mine to own them and read all of them :] so i got up and i grabbed some starbucks and headed on my way to the Christiansburg Goodwill. i spent a good two hours there and ended up finding 4 of the 7 books i wanted. it was so cool how they were there! but towards the end of my search, i started re-thinking about buying the books. thoughts of “i dont really need these” or “i should read my bible” or “i should spend my time praying/in the word rather than reading fiction” flooded my head…

i ended buying the books anyway cuz they were SO CHEAP (i only spent $3.15 on all 4!!) and i went home a happy little camper. i put them on my dresser and finished the rest of my evening. and it wasnt until an hour ago when i was showering that God spoke to me about the books. i suddenly felt this gratitude for the fact that they were at the store when i had wanted them…it wasn’t a pressing necessity/desire that i should have them. but i felt God impress on my heart that he knows i love to read and that even though i didn’t particularly NEED those books, he knew i wanted them anyway. and they were there…for me. for my enjoyment. cuz i love the stories in Narnia. and it just makes me happy.

it was like a light bulb turned on. and i was reminded of a story with Heidi Baker where one Christmas they were giving out presents and some girls wanted beads..but they didn’t have any.  so they prayed and God miraculously gave them beads. and it wasn’t a necessity/pressing desire. they just wanted pretty beads for Christmas. but the heart of Papa knew that beads would make them happy. and he knew the heart of his children..

that’s our Papa’s heart. to graciously give us all we need…and to lavish us with things that just make us happy because he knows us so well..and he loves to make us smile. how simple is that? such love, such promise. we have a GOOD FATHER and he knows us full well. and it pleases him as we come to him as children…and his love is what propels us to love others, to show them that they are children who also belong to Papa.

he is good!

God bless! love, cindy

it’s so simple but i just can’t seem to get it through to my heart. my head is doing ok with it…but my heart is in a different place. who would imagine that just two verses, two sentences in the Bible would take up so much of my thought life, my energy, and time?

matthew 22:37 is my favorite verse. my life verse, if you will. Jesus says that we are to love God with all that we are..and then a couple verses down Jesus says that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves.

1. Love God

2. Love yourself

3. Love others

my, my this is a lot more complicated than it should be. and yet, it keeps circling through my head…love, love, love. love God, love yourself, love people. i wish i would just get it already!

but as with other things, it’s a process. oh, the process. as hard as im wrestling with God to walk in this, i just want to freely give and freely receive.

i’ll get it eventually

i’m feeling desperate lately. it’s the kind of desperation that i have never encountered before…more than being desperate for money or desperate for people or desperate for some situation…

im desperate for God.

i know it sounds really..cliche. but i feel like i’m nearing the end of myself…i refuse to have anything between me and God and i want to literally tear down anything that comes in the way. i am tired of being fearful and believing the lie that i’m not secure in my Papa’s love. because the reality is…i have always been in a secure place in his heart. it’s a matter of choice as to whether i’ll believe that i’m always in that safe place, no matter what my circumstance looks like..

so i give up myself. i am not my own. i can’t do anything apart from him and i don’t want to move if it’s not out of being compelled by his love.

if i have not love…I HAVE NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

and i want to be filled. i want to be consumed. LET IT CONSUME ME. my pain, my dreams, my desires, my hopes, my past, my life….all of it consumed in the fire of his love. i wont have any of it anyway…not if i don’t have HIM.

b/c that’s my heart’s deepest cry. i want him and him alone.

but more and more, one of these dreams has been pressing on my heart. and that’s to build a house of prayer. i used to look at the lifestyle of intercessory missionaries and think, “yea, that’s so great and noble but i’m going to do my own thang over here.” i didnt like the thought of being in a prayer room all day..with God. the calling to be an Anna? not me. but that’s mostly my flesh…i’m so ADD that most days i’d probably struggle to read or pray more than 10 minutes at a time.

and yet, my heart says “yes and amen” to it. i wanna help build a house of prayer..and then stay in it. as i learn what it means to have been created to be enjoyed by God, the GOTTA DO IT ALL mindset has been slowly chiseled away in me. and i know that without prayer, it’s all for naught. that, and i have no evangelism gifting whatsoever…

on top of all of that though, it’s the cry of the psalmist in Ps. 27:4 that gets me. to sit and behold the beauty of God. oh, that such a privilege would be granted to me. that i could gaze on his throne and stay with him. to be taken up in the Spirit and be in his courts. how i long to stay in his courts.

one day with him is better than a thousand elsewhere. truly…